No fate but what we make
by Vader'sMistress
Summary: This is what it feels to be John and Katherine Connor. Two people with nothing more to offer to each other except empty promises, and yet the two stay together because fate decided long ago that, that was how it meant to be. (Genesys universe. Part 5 of my No Fate series. I suggest you read the previous ones first; this takes place seven months after the last one).


_"It's been a while since I could  
hold my head up high_  
 _and it's been a while_  
 _since I first saw you ..._  
 _I stretch myself beyond my means"_ ~It's been a while by Staind

Kyle held his wife's hand as she pushed. He did not scream at her as the nurses did. Allison was strong woman and he did not want to upset her more than these people already were.

Kyle hated hospitals. When he was young, he wished nothing more than helping people but this and that happened and he ended up being an office clerk. Not that he complained, it brought good money but he often wondered what would've happened if fate hadn't intervened and he'd been allowed to follow his dreams.

Wasn't that what John said (time and time again)? No Fate But That Which We Make For Ourselves? Kyle smirked. If that were true then how is it John ended up as a fucking Terminator?

He squeezed Allison's hand harder, taking her attention away from the nagging doctor. Just one more push. One more push that's it.

Allison pushed and that was it. A beautiful bouncing baby girl. Kyle held her in her arms and could not help but be mesmerized by her. Chocolate brown eyes like Allison, but the Reese dark and sleek brown hair and fair skin in contrast to her mother's olive skin.

"She is beautiful." He said then handed her to Allison.

It was said that the death of a child was a tragedy. Well, that was certainly true for parents. Especially for the Connors who saw from a video monitor, Kyle Reese hold his new baby daughter. Kate worked very hard not to smash it to pieces and smack her husband's face.

She'd warned John to kill that son of a bitch; but as always, sentimentality –the one thing he pompously said he was above- got in the way. Kate let out a dry laugh. This would be much easier if they were in the room, tearing the Reeses limb from limb.

She turned to her husband. She couldn't read his face. His eyes were focused on the monitor, following every one of Kyle's movements as he handled his new baby sister back to her mother.

This child was supposed to be his sister, the girl he was going to turn one day and yet he could not help but feel deeply saddened by her birth.

John turned away and beckoned Kate to follow, but she remained. He didn't ask her for a second time. He knew that Kate had her own problems to deal with, and one of them being the loss of their child.

As Kate continued to watch the two parents, she was hit by memories of all the children she'd lost in her past lives and in this one. Finally, it got too much for her and she retreated to her apartment where she sunk down to her knees next to her bed.

"It wasn't fair." It never is –A voice in her head said. Since when have you ever known freedom? She had been pursuing happiness since she was little, dreaming of her handsome prince to rescue her from the dragon. Scott had been a poor choice; and she was aware of it right after the wedding.

He was a smooth talker and complimented her (when he was in the mood), but he wasn't loyal. And she wasn't sad to hear about his death. Come to think of it, she was relieved because it would be one less thing to talk about.

When John gave her that kiss, she wished that she had gotten to know him in this timeline as she got to know him in all others and the two would not be strangers to each other. There were times when she wanted to talk to him about the other Kate, but he always told her that it was better to leave those things in the past (his past).

Kate wondered what was it that troubled him so much, so she got the truth out of him.

"You died."

"How?"

"You shot yourself. I couldn't go on after that so I was convinced by Sky Net to go back to 2014 to ensure its existence."

"But you said that Sky Net turned you-"

"Sky Net didn't turn me Kate. I turned myself." He said, as always evading the questions. She continued to press him on until he revealed that it wasn't the fact that he was part machine that caused her death, but the fact that they discovered many unwanted truths from one another. "The last thing you said was I can't do this and you know that too."

Kate touched her midsection. That was a different Kate. One who was weak and humiliated by her husband's secrets, and couldn't handle the pressure. This Kate was different. She will never abandon John. As his guide and his adviser, she was going to do whatever it took to protect him and his siblings.

She did not bother to look up as John stepped into their bedroom. He did not say much. And she was glad for that, because she did not want to hear a long sermon. She just wanted him by her side.

* * *

This is what it felt to be John Connor. To be powerless, to see the woman you loved powerless. To have nothing more to give except empty promises.

 ** _You will touch the sky as always, and reach too high and before you know it, the sun will burn you and there will be nothing you can do_** –one of his captains used to tell him, quoting from one of the books she loved to read. The author was a mysterious woman who wrote under the pseudonym of **"Lady Death"**. All her books were a mixture of fantasy and science fiction, and riddled with strange quotes about death, childbirth and so on. John didn't know what Sanders saw in these texts. Personally he preferred the classics were the characters were far less flawed, and less relatable. He indulged her nonetheless because he found her amusing and she always had something interesting to say. The last words she'd spoken to him before she found out the cold truth were ** _: And when you realize that you have gone too far, you will find your back, your eyes, and everything you ever loved of yourself burned._**

John closed his eyes. (He often thought about looking for her. She was very young when she died, and she would still be young in this timeline, but then he thought against it). He was not about to chase old paramours. Kate was his priority and the only woman he'd ever loved.

 _"_ _Betrayal's cost is always a price too high to pay. Are you sure you can pay it this time?"_ He heard and nodded his head. He had paid it before hadn't he?

 _"_ _You think that Kate will wait for you when she finds out what you've been doing in your spare time? She will abandon you just like the rest and just like that you will lose her again."_ She snapped her fingers. _"It must hurt to know that every person you ever love, dies."_

"Shut up. You are not real."

 _"_ _Oh but I am. I am as real as you made me."_

"What do you want now mom?" John asked tiredly, rubbing his forehead.

 _"_ _You know why I am here. What is it that I always taught my children, John? Never ask questions you already know the answer. When I saw you in the hospital, I was very happy and I almost wanted to jump in Reese's arm to make you but when I saw what you'd become I was glad that I did not."_

"It doesn't really matter does it? I am here and I exist, so your plans to see your son die fail." He turned to her, displaying that arrogant smirk she hated so much. "When are you going to learn that I always survive, no matter what?"

 _"You won't this time. You will lose everything John. Power has a prize."_ She said and John watched her vanish in thin air.

John shook his head. It was times such as these that he wished he was a blank slate. He remembered reading from his favorite book as a child "The Wizard of Oz" by Frank L. Baum and thinking 'How good it would be if we humans did not have a heart like tin-man'. But nature had been cruel to his species as Sky Net had been to him.

No, Sky Net, just did what it did for survival. John had encountered more savagery among humans than no other species. _And they only followed me because I could do what no other human could._ He closed his eyes then opened them gazing out the window, watching the meager insects hold hands, unaware that they were living on borrowed time.

He withdrew his hand and turned where Kate was, seated on the bed. He joined her and asked her if she wanted to try again. She shook her head and the two joined hands. With a voice so soft, yet eyes so stern as he remembered from other timelines, she tells him: "A thing is not beautiful because it lasts John, but because it goes away. We had our moment in the sun, and it was beautiful. We have the future to think about now. Jacob and Jane, they are all that matter now. They are our children."

And he agrees. The two share a passionate kiss before shedding their artificial clothes. When he asks, under the covers, with his arms wrapped around her tiny waist, if she would have still chose him, she says in a firm voice: "Yes."

John raises his eyebrows in mild surprise. "Really?"

"John I chose you before because I had no choice, I choose you now because I do. Do you think that if I wanted Scott I would have dumped him?"

"Funny, I remember that differently."

"That is not the point. I did a mistake and I had to live with it for three years –and I would have continued to live with it, if you hadn't come. I am not saying this to make you feel better John. I want us to be honest with each other. I've seen the other Kates' memories and what you did and I don't blame you for it. It was war and you needed companionship but now it is different." She becomes serious. "We are not at war anymore, and I am not going anywhere."

He would argue with her that they are still at war, but he doesn't want to spoil the moment.  
"Do you still love me John?"

"Yes." He says, caressing her cheek. He's always loved her, since he saw her trying to revive her dad on that desolate stadium where his foster parents once took him to see his favorite team play. Even with all the blood on her hands and feet, she looked so beautiful.

His mother warned him not to fall in love with her, it would only get her killed. But how could he not -when she was there looking at him, their gazes locked, expecting him to do something to take her from the misery that had been inflicted upon her by the machines?

He knew that it was a long time ago, and that Kate was right. That had been a different Kate, but he cannot help and compare the two. **_Where do we run so far from each other?_** Carrie told him the day Kate discovered her on their bunker. She nearly tore the black locks of the girls' head.  
 _I've done many things to her._

He could not lose her this time. She is everything he had (besides his siblings, that is). Without her, he is nothing.

"And you? Did you love Scott?"

She chuckles and gives a light shake of her head. "At the time it seemed like a good idea. He was … nice, let's put it at that but he was always rough and I hated every time he tried to correct me. One good look at me and you would have known how miserable I was."

"He was an imbecile. He didn't know what he had."

"Stop it. Don't all righteous with me Connor. Ot's not your style. I have seen the memories from all my other incarnations and I know what you did –but I also know why you did it and I don't fault you. It was war and you needed companionship when I wasn't there but the war is over now. I am here and I am not going and I do expect fidelity this time."

"And you will get it but we will have to move a few pawns across the chessboard before we get what we want." He says and she knows what he means.

"If I asked you for Allison's head would you consider me cruel?"

"Not more cruel than before." He says with a slight grin, the same one that he always gave her when she interrogated the murderers, rapists who came to their camp under the excuse that they wanted to help.

"I won't make the same mistakes again Kate, I promise."

"Is this the great John Connor apologizing?"

"Something like it …" He says, grinning then stops, thinking about his good fortune.  
Sometimes, he just wants to pretend that this isn't real, that he will wake up in his bunker and find Kate lying next to him (dead).

"So will you consider it?"

"Of course. You know I always have in the past. Whatever you ask of me John, I will do."

"I don't want you to do this because you feel you must." John started, raising his voice. "You must want this Kate, or else everything we've done …" Everything I've done –he think "would have been for nothing."

"You've always worried about me John. I chose you before because I had no other choice but now I do and I still choose you because I need you and I also want you. And you also need me." She points out. "So you can try and say whatever you like but I am not going anywhere."

It is a great relief to hear this, and he forgets of all his past glories and misfortunes and just sits there watching her. Her beautiful face, her ivory skin, her pale blue eyes and long red wavy hair. He wants to kiss her (again), take her in his arms and tell her how much he loves her. But he's done that many times before and he fears it will end in the same tragedy. But she assures him it will not, placing a hand on his cheek.

John Connor. Leader of the resistance. Savior. Prophet. Messiah. He had been this and many other things in other lives (so many other lives –thought he) but these were irrelevant now that he was finally free to make his own destiny with the woman he loved and the children he had adopted as his own. This is what it felt to be John Connor.


End file.
